JOKES

[jaxxen]

It is well known that much of Australian humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB."

The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[jaxxen]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name!  The van Lesbian name is a fine Old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Nope, not ever....’

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!   I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it!  I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.  Inside the envelope are a letter and a cheque for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.  Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian After I left your office; I thought about what you said.  I decided you were right.  I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.'

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[fash]

Husband makes the lunches!

For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband would mind making the next day's lunches for them both.


Obligingly he agrees.


'Where is our lunch honey?'


He replied, 'I placed it on the second shelf of the fridge. My lunch is the one on the left, and yours is on the right'
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[smell my finger]

Just been chatting to my neighbour’s teenage daughter and it turns out she's big into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

 

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.


I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.
That shut her up.



I just bought the Jenga 9/11 Memorial Edition.

It comes with a little model plane to push the blocks out with.



Years ago I thought to myself "Wouldn't it be great if a couple of planes crashed into the World Trade Center?"... I'm a PC, and Windows 9/11 was my idea.


The last person to call me a wanker worked in the World Trade Center, I wasn't sure which one so I had to hit them both.




Hi im Ted, I've been an Electrician for many years now and people on my street have never called me 'Ted the Electrician', but as soon as touch I baby my name suddenly changes.



Waiting for a bus is a bit like starring in a bukkake video. You wait for ages...




What's brown and sticky?

An Indian girl in a bukkake movie.






Did you hear about the new emo website?
www.emo.com/wrists


What's the worst thing about being a black jew?

You have to sit at the back of the oven!



New film series:

Adolf Hitler and the Genociders Stone
Adolf Hitler and the Chamber Of Jews
Adolf Hitler and the Prisoner Of Auschwitz
Adolf Hitler and the Goblet Of Gas
Anne Frank and the Order Of The Führer
Adolf Hitler and the Half Gassed Jew
Adolf Hitler and the Deathly Showers


I’ve been playing the new version of Cluedo called Jewdo, but it's just too easy. It's always Klaus in the shower with the Zyklon B.

[fash]

[fash]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.



The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.



Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,








"What's for dinner,Batman"

[smell my finger]

I was driving along earlier when some cunt smashed into the back of me at 60mph.

I got out of the car and saw that my rear end was smashed to pieces. The smug cunt got out of his 4X4 and shouted, "What the fuck did you brake for?"

So I fell to my knees, pointed at the boot and screamed, "My girlfriend was in the boot, you killed her!"

He look shocked and started trembling. I felt like I'd really wiped the smile off his face, but then he started screaming and crying hysterically. I started to feel a bit bad, so I went to comfort him. I opened the boot and said, "Look mate, I was only joking. You can clearly see, she's been dead weeks, you didn't kill her."



My wife and I were called in to see the headmaster at our daughter's school today because she's been making racist jibes at the black children.

We were absolutely horrified, we've always told her not to speak to them.



Whilst some of the material on here is topical and clever, there are far too many idiots with half a brain posting racist material. As a man of Asian descent, some of these "jokes" offend me long time.



Just seen on the news that a blonde woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.

Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung.

No Siemen was found.



So I was sitting in Biology class today, and the teacher asks what you would find in a cell. Apparently "A Nigger" was not the answer.



What has one leg and flies?

A Haitian baby.



In an interview given three hours before his demise, Kumaritashvili told an AP reporter that he liked the Olympics because, "It is so nice to meet women from other parts of the world. But Eastern European women are still the most beautiful, " he stated. "I think, during these Games, that I would like to meet a nice Pole."





This Valentines day I decided to splash out on my girlfriend.

Turns out Bukkake isn't 'romantic'.

[Flamin Morry]

Bad news about that bobsled guy who died the other day. You win some, you luge some


Whilst some of the material on here is topical and clever, there are far too many idiots with half a brain posting racist material. As a man of Asian descent, some of these "jokes" offend me long time.

What does the Karate Kid do to relax?
Wax off.

Cool Runnings II- Nodar, you dead mun?

[fash]

Bad news about that bobsled guy who died the other day. You win some, you luge some

 Good one Morry mate

[Flamin Morry]

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for a mug of boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

[Miss Dingo]

*groan* that is sick....lol

[fash]

What's RED and smells like BLUE Paint...







...RED Paint...

[fash]

THIS IS INCREDIBLE...

Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order !!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY...

1
2
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5
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7

8
9
10
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30




Finished...

Scroll down ....................


























GOOD !!! As you are so easily amused tomorrow I will send you the ABC's

Ha Ha Ha...

[smell my finger]

Large breasts are great braless and I'm good with anagrams.



I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"



During todays womans football match, two players have a clash of heads.
The physio runs on to treat one who is dazed. After a few slaps on her face to bring her round he says
''how many fingers do I have up''
''Fuck!, I'm paralysed as well''



what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfreind

wiped his arse



I was talking to some girl last night and she said she wouldn't have sex with me if we were the last two people on Earth.

I leant across an said:

"If were the last two people on Earth, then who would be here to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look right off her face.



I was walking through a Berkshire town, when I came up to a group of Teenager's wearing hoodies. One of them bumped into me, and I spilled my Kebab down his trousers.

"The Staines Massive!" I yelled


First day of Sixth Form and I don't think my science teacher is too fond of me.

When she walked into the classroom and looked around at the few empty seats and said, "Who's missing?", shouting "Maddie" probably wasn't the best idea.




We're the McCanns and leaving windows open was our idea.




Hi, I'm Richter Scale and Chile 8.8 was my idea





The Chili earthquake disaster is a bit like my Tamagotchi.

It kept my attention for a week, but I've got better things to do than try and keep them alive.





The 2010 World Surfing Championship in Florida ended in confusion yesterday.

It was won by a Haitian on a wardrobe!




The Haitian government launched an appeal for the world to supply JCBs to help shift the rubble and find the dead. Please send donations to diggers4niggers.com.



What ungrateful bastards the Haitians really are.

I haven't seen any of them digging deep into their pockets or recording a charity single for the poor people of Chile
It makes me glad I never donated to the appeal in the first place.




I wonder how much it costs to feed one of those young orphaned children in Haiti...
Cause I'm buying one off my mate Gary tomorrow.


There are fears that the Large Hadron Collider, which is due to be switched on next week, might accidentally create a black hole on Earth.

I've just come from Noble Park, and I can tell you that the process already seems to have started.



Remember that news footage a few years ago showing Michael Jackson dangling a young child from a hotel balcony? Odd, because he normally just tosses them off.

[Flamin Morry]

A man, about to tee off, felt a tap on his shoulder and another man handed him a card that read:
"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back and, shouting, communicated,
"No, you may NOT play through, your handicap gives you no such right."

The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole, he was hit in the head by a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking down at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 'FOUR' fingers.