JOKES

[jaxxen]

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller

'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollars for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....

'Fluctuations'. 

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says

'fluc you Aussies too'

[jaxxen]

Eve's side of the story:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches
and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figure d that you needed only
half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the
animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could
Ihave overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man
from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?

[jaxxen]

'ere's a good one, you lot.

*************

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' the old man said.

The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[jaxxen]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday  evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
 
He told  the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. 

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something  more special."
 
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and
brought  another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at  only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes  sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how  payment would be made and the old  man stated, "by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll  write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds  and I'll  pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he  said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's  no money in that account."
 
"I  know," said the old man, "But let me tell  you about  my weekend!"

[jaxxen]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She then administered a very tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked, 'How does that feel?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[bogan.on.the.streets]

Q: how u stop a indian from drowning


A: take ur foot off his F*CKING head

[chikfuka]

lol i'm pissin meself laffin here.

[jaxxen]

lol i'm pissin meself laffin here.

Well, here's another one you can piss yourself laughing at.

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says  the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[smell my finger]

Where was Brian Naylor on black Saturday?
Out with his hot wife.




My grandad lives at Narbethong and he lost his legs in WW2. He stayed to defend his home on Black Saturday. The house was fine but he was burned to the ground.

[Miss Dingo]

thats in poor taste .. 

[smell my finger]

Bad taste, IDGAF

What do you tell a woman with a black eye?

Nthin'. She's been told once and she's not listening.

[bigdickjoe]

And who is the biggest fuckwit out there?

Hillbilly1 the kid!     
WANKER!

[bigdickjoe]

Bill Clinton gets a beautiful new secretary and he says to her - "would you like to see my clock"
She replies _ "why yes sir, thank you"
So Bill drops his strides and yanks out his old fella
She exclaims "SIr, I think you are mistaken, that is not a clock"
Bill says "It will be when you put your face and two hands on it"!

[OzyGunja]

And who is the biggest fuckwit out there?

Hillbilly1 the kid!     
WANKER!

He's gone...obviously not a bogan...and just here trolling me from another site that im banned from.....lol....pwned

[jaxxen]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast 'til the chores are done.

Well, now he's a little pissed off.
He goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says... I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says:

'Are you going to tell him, or should I?