The Anthropology of Bogans - a study

[Darrel Warren]

The Common Bogan (Westie australis): Lacks the larger cranial capacity of subsequent species and has been unable to evolve more specialized traits. This disadvantage has led them to the brink of extinction. In appearence they wear skin tight black jeans, old style desert boots from K-Mart, a black T-shirt (usually a random shirt as this species has not yet specialized like other higher Bogans, such as the Jim Beamus maximus) and a blue or red flannelette shirt that camouflages ciggerette packets of similar colours.

The Metalhead Bogan (Westie metallicus): This species represents a keystone species in australia, whose genetic ancestors originated predominantly in Britain and to a lesser extent America. They have successfuly interdispersed into many suitable habitats, particularly through the 1980's with the introduction of MTV into the diet. These creatures are often difficult to distinguish from homo sapien sapien but are usually scientifically proven by locating a RATT album in their nest. Alpha males are identified by the higher number of patches sewn onto denim jackets, exposed during winter months. Much research is currently been done to further understand the interbreeding of this and other species and genome testing gathering interbreeding data with hipster and Emo species. Initially there were fears The Metalhead Bogan had interbred with members of the grunge and alternative species but this was disproven by the band Rat Cat, who actually turned out to be another species altogether.

The Mall Bogan (Westie westfieldii): Like Wildebeast on the plains of Africa, Mall Bogans herd together in great numbers at the local shopping mall. Drawn to the abundance of food, such as chico rolls, and ample meaningless neon habitat to roam these creatures often bond together in savage packs. They are mostly harmless as individuals but larger groups have been known to attack humans, particularly immigrants and other invasive species. They are also scavangers frequently howling "spare us a durry cunt?". It has been suggested that habitat change from AMF bowling centres and video game parlours to made in china shops has played a crucial role in their reduced present day numbers.

The White Footed Bogan (Westie floriensis): This species is presently endangered and very rare. They comprise mainly females but occassional males are also present in populations. Interbreeding with this species has continued the white foot genetics but its true extent is not known. A genome research team in 1988 found that 1 in 5 people who shopped in Sportsgirl had genetic traces of the white footed bogan. The female is characterised by large white boots, that resemble a cross between sports shoes and cowboy boots, with tight leotard leggings tucked in for hunting. The exact purpose of these boots is still unknown to science.

The Eastern Grey Monaro Bogan (Westie marloomanarodon and sub species taranodon): A highly evolved hunter, this species is top of the food chain along the east coast bogans. Usually only large girth mature specimens are observed in the wild although increasingly juveniles are spotted. Eastern Grey's commonly co-exist with many other genotypes and their skilled use of monaro vehicles and equipment, kept in the back 'pouch' of the ute, has allowed it to develop a symbiotic relationship with a range of trade animals and on occasion homo sapien housewives during plumbing migration.

The Mottled Ute Bogan (Westie bundabergia): Their features are highlighted by a mottling of dents, stickers, mud guards, beer coasters, stains and black primer spray paint on their utility vehicles and often mark their territory with rum and vomit. This species has been very resilient to increasing environmental pressures because of its breeding with country rednecks, adapted to larger environments. In many cases they are indistinguishable with rednecks, however careful field inspection will reveal mottled bogans lack RM Williams capable feet.

The Western Big Block Bogan (Westie fairlainesis): A close relative of both the eastern grey and common bogan, usually observed wearing worn ugg boots held together with gaffer tape. Specialization has also evolved this creature to prefer suburban habitats, similar to the common bogan, however the western big block typically surrounds its house with many cars in various states of repair and customisation. Naturally this is to defend their young inside the nest. All western big blocks are thought to have originated in Penrith as their haplo group, VB1, indicates.

The Woolworths Bogan (Westie pricecheckis): One can still spot these ever elusive and ancient creatures down back isles and in the liquor section. Dubbed the sloths of the bogan kingdom they are mainly nocturnal and prefer nightfill habitats but will venture into work during the day when food is scarce. Usually these animals are noted for their smaller mullets and shaggy black woolworths jumpers.

The Snowy Mountains Bogan (Westie Smigginsii): Frequently recorded sightings in Perisher but rarely in Victorian ranges and never in Thredbo. Acid wash jeans and a flannelette shirt tied around the waist clearly identify these individuals in alpine ecosystems. Known to leave trails of Tooheys cans and yellow markings in the snow, along traverse routes, these organisms are mostly harmless due to the superior adaption of their competition Homo volvo pradaensis.

The Thin Tie Faberge Bogan (TTTF) (Westie dunlopus): Climate change during the late seventies and early eighties, coupled with the appearence of Split Ends, pushed Bogans into urban city environments. In an attempt at camouflage and imitating their surroundings, like Lyrebirds, they adopted to wearing a form of tie and suit plumage. These Bogans wore distinct thin leather ties, predominantly grey or beige in colour, Hush Puppie, Desert boot or Dunlop KT-26 shoes, cheap vynyl jackets and Faberge stone washed trousers. Scientists thought they died out in the 1990's but reported sightings and footprints are still claimed today in remote inner city areas of Hobart and Brisbane.

The Wet Permed Bogan (Westie permus-tightus): Genetic sociologists, specialising in female forms, have been studying a new breed of female that seems to move between a number of the groups above. She is characterised by hair pulled tightly back in a high ponytail, with a fanfare of permed greased hair coming out of the slicked ponytail. It is believed this is a mating display, and when combined with a set of (minimum 3) gold hoop earings of descending size, makes her most attractive to the opposite sex. Common apparrel is a shiny tracksuit from Flemington Markets, that goes swish swish when they walk. Neon white fake adidas trainers worn with ankle socks and without the laces done up allow the species to walk through shopping malls in packs, and it is believed there may be a correlation between this and their capacity to chew gum.

Tasmanian Bogan (Westie tasmaniana): Refer to Common Bogan above.

The Great Plains Bogan (Tamworthadon hillbillus): Much contention surrounded this species until Bogan paleantologists, Warren Dwayne & Barry, discovered the 'missing link' beanie in 1996. The beanie, found on a cattle property near Orange, under several old wrecked Holdens, showed all the characterisitics of bogan but had signature fossil ridges along the top of the mullet impression revealing it evolved to wear cowboy hats and withstand higher amounts of alcohol. Thought to have had ancestory dating back to the first fleet, this Bogan is now classified as a side branch Tamworthadon, due to its illicit 'liaisons' with Redneck folk during the Gold Rush era and various country music festivals. They have two major behavioural oddities; Firstly, mass migration occurs in Autumn, when thousands of Great Plain Bogans spectacularly herd together in dagwood dog and candy floss feeding frenzies at The Royal Easter Show. The second oddity occurs in Summer as the bogans form noisey plagues throughout farmlands called 'B & S' balls, similar to swarms of cicada's or locust.

Cane Bogan (Westie tropicana): An introduced pest into Queensland, now expanding in rapid numbers into other states, such as North NSW. The creatures are often stupified by the tropical heat and resemble frogs when they call 'Ayee' at the end of every sentance. Some youths have been known to run over Queensland Cane Bogans or put them in freezers and then defrost them for fun (this includes state of origin). The lower intellect Cane Bogans (Bacon Bogans) evolved into a diversity of state law enforcement genera - their smaller brains an adaption to prevailing political ideals of Brisbane in the 1980's and the intense tropical heat that did not select larger cranial volumes.

The Wombat Bogan (Westie subteraenuginosa): These burrowing creatures were given the nickname "The Quiet Bogan" by BHP in the 1980's mining days. While they are rare, their distribution is widespread and throughout harsh and unforgiving parts of australia. Microscopically they are identical to Westie Truckiepitstopii, however macroscopically they coat themself in a fine protective film of diesel and bauxite dust and are as blind as a bat. Even when surfacing from their burrows at night, they head straight for a pub to get even more blind.

The Oceanic Bogan (Westie carcharias): Once common throughout australia, they are now rare as fish populations have been reduced and coastal pubs replaced by larger family hotels, catering poker machines and colourful carpets. A vigorous sub race, Westie narrabeeniana, was classified in 1977 but is now all but extinct, replaced by Homo rangeroverii and hoards of exotic invasive species including Troglodyte pakicuntus, currymuncherseins, chinkerchowmeinruelae and muslimmudseins.

[White _Trash]

The Common Bogan (Westie australis): Lacks the larger cranial capacity of subsequent species and has been unable to evolve more specialized traits. This disadvantage has led them to the brink of extinction. In appearence they wear skin tight black jeans, old style desert boots from K-Mart, a black T-shirt (usually a random shirt as this species has not yet specialized like other higher Bogans, such as the Jim Beamus maximus) and a blue or red flannelette shirt that camouflages ciggerette packets of similar colours.

The Metalhead Bogan (Westie metallicus): This species represents a keystone species in australia, whose genetic ancestors originated predominantly in Britain and to a lesser extent America. They have successfuly interdispersed into many suitable habitats, particularly through the 1980's with the introduction of MTV into the diet. These creatures are often difficult to distinguish from homo sapien sapien but are usually scientifically proven by locating a RATT album in their nest. Alpha males are identified by the higher number of patches sewn onto denim jackets, exposed during winter months. Much research is currently been done to further understand the interbreeding of this and other species and genome testing gathering interbreeding data with hipster and Emo species. Initially there were fears The Metalhead Bogan had interbred with members of the grunge and alternative species but this was disproven by the band Rat Cat, who actually turned out to be another species altogether.

The Mall Bogan (Westie westfieldii): Like Wildebeast on the plains of Africa, Mall Bogans herd together in great numbers at the local shopping mall. Drawn to the abundance of food, such as chico rolls, and ample meaningless neon habitat to roam these creatures often bond together in savage packs. They are mostly harmless as individuals but larger groups have been known to attack humans, particularly immigrants and other invasive species. They are also scavangers frequently howling "spare us a durry cunt?". It has been suggested that habitat change from AMF bowling centres and video game parlours to made in china shops has played a crucial role in their reduced present day numbers.

The White Footed Bogan (Westie floriensis): This species is presently endangered and very rare. They comprise mainly females but occassional males are also present in populations. Interbreeding with this species has continued the white foot genetics but its true extent is not known. A genome research team in 1988 found that 1 in 5 people who shopped in Sportsgirl had genetic traces of the white footed bogan. The female is characterised by large white boots, that resemble a cross between sports shoes and cowboy boots, with tight leotard leggings tucked in for hunting. The exact purpose of these boots is still unknown to science.

The Eastern Grey Monaro Bogan (Westie marloomanarodon and sub species taranodon): A highly evolved hunter, this species is top of the food chain along the east coast bogans. Usually only large girth mature specimens are observed in the wild although increasingly juveniles are spotted. Eastern Grey's commonly co-exist with many other genotypes and their skilled use of monaro vehicles and equipment, kept in the back 'pouch' of the ute, has allowed it to develop a symbiotic relationship with a range of trade animals and on occasion homo sapien housewives during plumbing migration.

The Mottled Ute Bogan (Westie bundabergia): Their features are highlighted by a mottling of dents, stickers, mud guards, beer coasters, stains and black primer spray paint on their utility vehicles and often mark their territory with rum and vomit. This species has been very resilient to increasing environmental pressures because of its breeding with country rednecks, adapted to larger environments. In many cases they are indistinguishable with rednecks, however careful field inspection will reveal mottled bogans lack RM Williams capable feet.

The Western Big Block Bogan (Westie fairlainesis): A close relative of both the eastern grey and common bogan, usually observed wearing worn ugg boots held together with gaffer tape. Specialization has also evolved this creature to prefer suburban habitats, similar to the common bogan, however the western big block typically surrounds its house with many cars in various states of repair and customisation. Naturally this is to defend their young inside the nest. All western big blocks are thought to have originated in Penrith as their haplo group, VB1, indicates.

The Woolworths Bogan (Westie pricecheckis): One can still spot these ever elusive and ancient creatures down back isles and in the liquor section. Dubbed the sloths of the bogan kingdom they are mainly nocturnal and prefer nightfill habitats but will venture into work during the day when food is scarce. Usually these animals are noted for their smaller mullets and shaggy black woolworths jumpers.

The Snowy Mountains Bogan (Westie Smigginsii): Frequently recorded sightings in Perisher but rarely in Victorian ranges and never in Thredbo. Acid wash jeans and a flannelette shirt tied around the waist clearly identify these individuals in alpine ecosystems. Known to leave trails of Tooheys cans and yellow markings in the snow, along traverse routes, these organisms are mostly harmless due to the superior adaption of their competition Homo volvo pradaensis.

The Thin Tie Faberge Bogan (TTTF) (Westie dunlopus): Climate change during the late seventies and early eighties, coupled with the appearence of Split Ends, pushed Bogans into urban city environments. In an attempt at camouflage and imitating their surroundings, like Lyrebirds, they adopted to wearing a form of tie and suit plumage. These Bogans wore distinct thin leather ties, predominantly grey or beige in colour, Hush Puppie, Desert boot or Dunlop KT-26 shoes, cheap vynyl jackets and Faberge stone washed trousers. Scientists thought they died out in the 1990's but reported sightings and footprints are still claimed today in remote inner city areas of Hobart and Brisbane.

The Wet Permed Bogan (Westie permus-tightus): Genetic sociologists, specialising in female forms, have been studying a new breed of female that seems to move between a number of the groups above. She is characterised by hair pulled tightly back in a high ponytail, with a fanfare of permed greased hair coming out of the slicked ponytail. It is believed this is a mating display, and when combined with a set of (minimum 3) gold hoop earings of descending size, makes her most attractive to the opposite sex. Common apparrel is a shiny tracksuit from Flemington Markets, that goes swish swish when they walk. Neon white fake adidas trainers worn with ankle socks and without the laces done up allow the species to walk through shopping malls in packs, and it is believed there may be a correlation between this and their capacity to chew gum.

Tasmanian Bogan (Westie tasmaniana): Refer to Common Bogan above.

The Great Plains Bogan (Tamworthadon hillbillus): Much contention surrounded this species until Bogan paleantologists, Warren Dwayne & Barry, discovered the 'missing link' beanie in 1996. The beanie, found on a cattle property near Orange, under several old wrecked Holdens, showed all the characterisitics of bogan but had signature fossil ridges along the top of the mullet impression revealing it evolved to wear cowboy hats and withstand higher amounts of alcohol. Thought to have had ancestory dating back to the first fleet, this Bogan is now classified as a side branch Tamworthadon, due to its illicit 'liaisons' with Redneck folk during the Gold Rush era and various country music festivals. They have two major behavioural oddities; Firstly, mass migration occurs in Autumn, when thousands of Great Plain Bogans spectacularly herd together in dagwood dog and candy floss feeding frenzies at The Royal Easter Show. The second oddity occurs in Summer as the bogans form noisey plagues throughout farmlands called 'B & S' balls, similar to swarms of cicada's or locust.

Cane Bogan (Westie tropicana): An introduced pest into Queensland, now expanding in rapid numbers into other states, such as North NSW. The creatures are often stupified by the tropical heat and resemble frogs when they call 'Ayee' at the end of every sentance. Some youths have been known to run over Queensland Cane Bogans or put them in freezers and then defrost them for fun (this includes state of origin). The lower intellect Cane Bogans (Bacon Bogans) evolved into a diversity of state law enforcement genera - their smaller brains an adaption to prevailing political ideals of Brisbane in the 1980's and the intense tropical heat that did not select larger cranial volumes.

The Wombat Bogan (Westie subteraenuginosa): These burrowing creatures were given the nickname "The Quiet Bogan" by BHP in the 1980's mining days. While they are rare, their distribution is widespread and throughout harsh and unforgiving parts of australia. Microscopically they are identical to Westie Truckiepitstopii, however macroscopically they coat themself in a fine protective film of diesel and bauxite dust and are as blind as a bat. Even when surfacing from their burrows at night, they head straight for a pub to get even more blind.

The Oceanic Bogan (Westie carcharias): Once common throughout australia, they are now rare as fish populations have been reduced and coastal pubs replaced by larger family hotels, catering poker machines and colourful carpets. A vigorous sub race, Westie narrabeeniana, was classified in 1977 but is now all but extinct, replaced by Homo rangeroverii and hoards of exotic invasive species including Troglodyte pakicuntus, currymuncherseins, chinkerchowmeinruelae and muslimmudseins.

thats a lot of work there

[OzyGunja]

Good on ya Dazza!...Grouse first post mate...Hope to see you posting some more...Cheers!