Joke time you carnts!

[bigdickjoe]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' 
So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'               

[bigdickjoe]

Banned from Sainsbury's Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
   
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
 
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.   I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
 

 
 
 

[redneck carnt]

wat do you call a cheap circumision???

. . . . a ripoff

[jesusfuckinchrist]

SHITTIEST JOKES EVER TOLD YOU FUCKING TRY HARDS..NO WONDER YOU CUNTS CANT GET LAID

[redneck carnt]

SHITTIEST JOKES EVER TOLD YOU FUCKING TRY HARDS..NO WONDER YOU CUNTS CANT GET LAID

well wheres your jokes then carnt??

[jesusfuckinchrist]

SHITTIEST JOKES EVER TOLD YOU FUCKING TRY HARDS..NO WONDER YOU CUNTS CANT GET LAID

well wheres your jokes then carnt??

Look in the mirror and you'll see the biggest piece of shit joke ever told

[redneck carnt]

SHITTIEST JOKES EVER TOLD YOU FUCKING TRY HARDS..NO WONDER YOU CUNTS CANT GET LAID

well wheres your jokes then carnt??

Look in the mirror and you'll see the biggest piece of shit joke ever told

no i dont, i just have ta look at your shit posts

[smell my finger]

A midget bogan chick goes into the doctor.

"My cunt itches", she complains.

The doctor goes up under her dress, she hears a "snip, snip, snip" but doesn't feel anything.

Doctor says, "walk around and see if that is better".

"Fantastic Doc, what the fuck did ya do? It's been drivin' me spare for weeks".

"I cut the top off your ugg  boots".